Who knew, Dad?
Who knew that this is where you would be, WE would be…only just a few weeks ago as we sat courtside at Nate’s game? Adalynn’s game? Me, sitting there, so happy, proud even, to have you by my side…cheering, clapping, smiling as we watched the two of them do what you did so well for most of your life-shoot a lot…LOL…and what you’ve coached so well, alongside your dear friends for many years now…
At least temporarily, gone are the days where I will highlight the schedule, call you with voicemail reminders, meet you at the ballfield (on a positive note, you will save a lot of money, since you will not continually be handing over your life savings for your granddaughter’s concession stand fund…BTW, she would like to know where you keep your cash:-)).
Yes, things are different now, so suddenly and radically different, especially for you.
Life has a way of throwing us for a loop, pulling the rug out from under us, doesn’t it? While I am grieving these losses for you, for me, for all of us, I know that it is supposed to be this way because, well, it IS this way. It’s either that or God is out to get us, and that is certainly not my belief, nor has it been my experience (even when it looks and feels that way).
I am remembering you as you were, LOVING you as you are and surrendering you to your Highest Good, whatever that may be~in this Moment, Always and in All Ways.
I KNOW in the depths of my Being that your Essence remains, even as your body and mind struggle and suffer. I SEE you and your Light that shines behind those beautiful eyes.
A part of me wants nothing more than to comfort you, take away your pain and suffering, “hold you” and make it all better. And yet, I know it is ultimately out of my hands. Surrendering MY pain and suffering, MY Crucifixion, MY illusion of control is what ultimately releases me AND you, not to mention the rest of the world.
Still, one of the most beautiful moments of my entire Life was scratching your back a few weeks ago in the hospital. It felt so good to assist in providing you with just a few moments of relief during what has been such a challenging, painful and frustrating time for you. Yes, in those moments, all I could think was, “He feels good right now, and nothing on this Earth matters more.”
Dad, I Love You.
That sums it up. You are with me whenever I call you to mind. I am with you in the same way. I have been conversing with you in my mind on my walks. These have truly been some of our best conversations ever!!! (maybe that’s because I get to choose what you say:-)).
Seriously, though, I feel like we are still communicating, even when I am apart from you…that, on some level, we “get” each other, and it is so comforting.
Too, I wish to acknowledge the precious, beautfiul moments I have experienced in all of this…one is the image of you be-bopping your head to music as you lay there in the hospital bed~a sight I will forever remember with great Joy!…another is when Nate showed you his team trophy (this was before you could speak again at all), you radiated excitement and eyed up that trophy from top to bottom to show Nate-“yes, I see it and I hear you…I understand you”…the way you smiled at Adalynn and gave her hand a good squeeze each time she left the hospital…the way you say my name so clearly~I never knew how much I could Love hearing you say my name!
Even the difficult moments are precious and beautiful-what a metaphor for Life-It’s ALL Life…it truly, truly IS.
The handshake between you and your surgeon, the night before your surgery…I felt as if I had the honor of witnessing an unspoken, unbeknownst to both of you, Soul Agreement…that was just my perception and yet, I felt it in the depths of my Soul.
How can I know that this is what is best for you, dad? Because it is what God/Life has given you…and Life ALWAYS gives us what is best for us-at least for the part of us that never dies (Who We Really Are). And so, I will know this for you, even when you can’t.
In some ways, it’s easier to know it for you or somebody else than it is to know it for me, but I am coming to Trust It in my own life as well. Really, it’s probably BECAUSE I have been given so many opportunities to come to trust It in my own Life that I can trust It for you and everyone else. It’s both, I guess.
My prayer is that you are released from suffering, whatever outer form that takes. My prayer is that you discover your unending Joy in all of this.
Whether by your bedside, holding your hand, scratching your back or miles apart, I Am with you all the way…and I Am rooting for you with Big Love.
Now and Forever, Dad, I Love You.