Oh crap, there goes my lung again…not that it ever stops…but it's really acting up right now, like it does at times, sometimes for reasons known and others…not. Keep walking, just keep walking…slowly, yes…you can do it. Okay, made it to the beach…now just sit down. That's it, plop on down and catch your breath. Oh god, somebody's spraying sunscreen. Now what do I do? Just stop breathing until they're done. Yeah, that didn't work. Move my chair so I'm not downwind of it? What a pain in the ass…why does this have to be so hard? And I don't want to say anything because I feel like all of my requirements these days become annoying as fuck. Oh boy, I'm falling asleep right here on the beach with that "I'm gonna wake up not breathing feeling." Yep, there it is…but I'm too tired to care. Five times it happens during my beach nap. Five. Something wakes me because my brain forgets to tell me to breathe…or because my chest is too inflamed and I can't breathe…or something like that, I don't know for sure. But it's commonplace these days. Started about a year ago when I was still in the moldy house. Had no idea at the time what was causing it but damnit I know now. Scared the you know what out of me then and still does, but less so. You get to where there's nothing you can do about it anyway…until you just get better…or die.
I was gonna title this, "Mold Ain't Got Nothin' on Vitamin Sea" but I gotta tell ya, it's a toss-up. And so I would be perpetuating false "positivity," something I have vowed not to do, for my Self or for others…in this or in Life in general. Sure, maybe then everyone would say, "Oh look how well she's handling this" or "Wow, what an inspiration to others" or whatever. I won't do that: I won't. I can tell the truth about this and still be an inspiration, even if I die: death is not a failure, BTW. Although I have to admit that I am really hoping to survive this…and thrive.
My lung, breathing, dizziness, eye floaters, fatigue, etc. did NOT want to cooperate today, no matter how good of a healing meditation I had earlier and in spite of how hopeful and grateful I was feeling. I took them along anyway. That's where the "positivity" lies. And it would have been fine if I stayed in bed, too. Self-care is huge in this AND in everything. Still, I figure I'm either gonna live or die from this…may as well live while I can…so I went to the beach.
Even amidst severe discomfort and concern for myself, the beauty and tranquility of the ocean still managed to awe and soothe me. Standing amidst the waves, breathing as deeply and comfortably as I could, sending healing vibes to my friends across the ocean who are in the same boat (pun or something similar intended), moving my arms up and down with each breath, caressing the water and allowing Her to caress me back…wow, just wow…to have my senses come alive again…this was a true Love affair between me and Life, and She didn't even mind that I'm not myself.
I began this day feeling hopeful and grateful, with somewhat of a "plan" that feels alive, listening to several wonderful healing meditations, etc. but once I ventured out, whether it was the contaminated suit, the humidity, the three-block walk, mold spores…who knows?…something did a number on me, two days in a row. This stuff is legit. Avoid it at all costs if you can.
That's all I got for tonight. I'm whooped.